After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
