So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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