The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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