took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
