I puked a lego.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
