Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
