i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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