I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
