everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
