So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
