i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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