On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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