she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
she smelled like a LAN party
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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