I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Randomize
