i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
