Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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