i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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