**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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