My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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