Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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