woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
People in love make me want to vomit
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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