Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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