Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
