either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
