I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
