if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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