even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I am midnight drunk by noon
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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