Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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