When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
