I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
