So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
