Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize