I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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