Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I could fuck to npr.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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