dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
