i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
