I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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