New invention idea: vibrating tampons
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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