i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
