Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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