My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Who died my cat blue again?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize