I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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