i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
