12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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