The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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