his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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