I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
