i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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