i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
