I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
