Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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