So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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