Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
