you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
