Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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