"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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