You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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