there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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