Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
