she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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