What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
