I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Randomize
