I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
