im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
