I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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