Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
